It's been a little crazy for me lately. I feel like I have lost my faith and my soul does not feel the same way as I used to. Maybe I'm being materialized, though I attempt to deny that. I don't even know since when that I'm getting more offensive for going to the Fellowship. Those familiar faces don't seem too familiar to me anymore. The strange feeling is just getting stronger and stronger. I gotta admit, I don't belong to the group I have been an outcast for I don't even know. Maybe it's just me. I think I over-protect myself but I don't even know what I'm afraid of. I don't know myself, and I don't regconize myself. Just a couple nights before I have gone for the camp, I cried so hard that I haven't done it for so long. Sometimes, I just simply need someone that I can really talk to, people around me keep telling me how I should pray and tell the Lord whatever on my mind, well it's not like I did not try. I tried, I sought for his voice, all I want is his very own voice. And I know how I should read through the Bible and seek his voice from it because it contains everything and what exactly the Lord wants to tell me. I don't know, I don't have the motivation. What goes around comes around...
When I recall to the past, I realized how much I changed. Nowadays, what I hear from people is usually compliment. They tell me how classy my outfits are, how well-dressed and stylish I am. There is a reason why I am the way I am today, not simply because I tryna be an attention grabber or showstopper or whatever. When I was a child, no one would truly compliment me from their hearts because I was just ugly. Yes, I said ugly, not tryna be funny but really. It's like the girl from "Ugly Betty". I was probably not the ugliest girl in my school, but for sure I was the manniest girl. I was forced to cut my hair short not like the Bob head but the spiky head. For some reason my face structure was just like idk a mistake i would say. I was isolated from most of the popular girls, by popular it means the cutest or the most good-looking girls. I had a very low self-esteem but I had pride in myself, just because I'm a august baby I'm a LEO. I was the only girl who was the greatest attention grabber in the class regardless of my behavior or my grades. But I didn't have too many friends who would be willing to approach me. I knew that one day I shall transform myself. I'm not a big fan of heavy makeup myself, I buy the concept of natural beauty.

To be continued...