We had a group sharing in the fellowship tonight. It was a group discussion of how we can adjust our attitudes towards participation and what we can contribute to help the group in creating the group dynamics. As usual, I was not the active one. I took the role of a listener rather than an active one. I used to be the active one but ever since we switched group last year my participation in the group diminished. I actually see myself as an outgoing person. Maybe they see me as a reserved person most of the time. I'm not so sure why I have become a reserved person in their eyes. I see this change as a negative change. I deny the fact that I'm becoming a more reserved person. There are many things that I don't even know about myself, it's just merely because that I don't regconize myself. What happened to me? I don't know, all I know is I must be willing to break my comfort zone in order to change. When I was a little, people said I was overly active. I don't wanna be the one who stays in her comfort zone, that little area in the corner where no one would go near. what I gotta admit is I feel more comfortable when happens to network and socialize with people. But I just can't be who I really am when participating in the group.

It's been a little crazy for me lately. I feel like I have lost my faith and my soul does not feel the same way as I used to. Maybe I'm being materialized, though I attempt to deny that. I don't even know since when that I'm getting more offensive for going to the Fellowship. Those familiar faces don't seem too familiar to me anymore. The strange feeling is just getting stronger and stronger. I gotta admit, I don't belong to the group I have been an outcast for I don't even know. Maybe it's just me. I think I over-protect myself but I don't even know what I'm afraid of. I don't know myself, and I don't regconize myself. Just a couple nights before I have gone for the camp, I cried so hard that I haven't done it for so long. Sometimes, I just simply need someone that I can really talk to, people around me keep telling me how I should pray and tell the Lord whatever on my mind, well it's not like I did not try. I tried, I sought for his voice, all I want is his very own voice. And I know how I should read through the Bible and seek his voice from it because it contains everything and what exactly the Lord wants to tell me. I don't know, I don't have the motivation. What goes around comes around...
When I recall to the past, I realized how much I changed. Nowadays, what I hear from people is usually compliment. They tell me how classy my outfits are, how well-dressed and stylish I am. There is a reason why I am the way I am today, not simply because I tryna be an attention grabber or showstopper or whatever. When I was a child, no one would truly compliment me from their hearts because I was just ugly. Yes, I said ugly, not tryna be funny but really. It's like the girl from "Ugly Betty". I was probably not the ugliest girl in my school, but for sure I was the manniest girl. I was forced to cut my hair short not like the Bob head but the spiky head. For some reason my face structure was just like idk a mistake i would say. I was isolated from most of the popular girls, by popular it means the cutest or the most good-looking girls. I had a very low self-esteem but I had pride in myself, just because I'm a august baby I'm a LEO. I was the only girl who was the greatest attention grabber in the class regardless of my behavior or my grades. But I didn't have too many friends who would be willing to approach me. I knew that one day I shall transform myself. I'm not a big fan of heavy makeup myself, I buy the concept of natural beauty.

To be continued...

Welcome to my wonderland!

This is my first-ever post on the blog. I have been pursuing some popular blogs for quite a while. And now I think it's time for me to become one of them, though I'm a big fan of xanga myself. So I think I'll just start off by simply introducing myself. My name's Emilie. I'm a 18-year-old girl who loves everything about beauty and fashion, it may sound quite young to most of you, but my soul is not quite as young as how I look from the outside. I'm especially inspired by Japanese fashion, from hairstyle, outfits, to makeup. Makeup brands that inspire me the most such as Urban Decay, YSL, Smashbox, Paul & Joe, etc. Oh, and I'm a big fan of the Japanese cosmetic products such as Candy Doll, Dolly Wink, Kiss Me, Visee, Jill Stuart, Canmake, etc. I love to shop at Forever 21,Victoria's Secret, Sephora, 344, Zara, etc. But mostly, I would shop on the asian online clothing stores which provide the trendiest clothes from Asia, inspiring by the fashion capital of Asia Tokyo. I love to travel, I wanna go to Tokyo, Paris, Holland, Australia, London, etc. My part-time job is selling contact lenses online, which gains me a good amount of profit. If you're interested in ordering contact lenses, please contact me. I carry mostly all of the contact lenses that you see from other sellers. Alright, that's it for now, will update later.